void limit

i think it's time to write a post that's actually discernible :)

3.5 years after university, where am i?
a lot has changed, but is it better?
i managed to amass things that a normal young adult should have, but it seems like whenever i get things, it's never enough.. all on my own
is not asking your parents for money something to be proud of? (i'm pretty sure if i was rich i'd be using my parents money... lol)
does that mean i should stop trying to get things?
aren't we all trying to be accepted?
but at what cost?
for who are we doing this?
of course, for ourselves
we're all self-interested
just think about what you just did and why you did it
duh, i know
so is it better?
to me, i feel like by accepting reality
i neglected myself
i pushed things away that would probably make me happier
i lost a lot of hair (hey, it's true... i am balding, is therea word for a fear of balding? but is it a fear now that i actually am?)
i'm constantly stressed
i worry about succeeding (although everyone tells me i'm fine, BUT REALLY AM I FINE? life changes, circumstances change, and also maybe history takes over)
i feel jealous sometimes (life sucks, yeap, it was never fair to begin with, but you know, i'm allowed to feel sorry for myself sometimes.. you know, it's what i say to keep myself happy.. damn life sucks haha)
i feel annoyed (school, people, myself... mainly myself and people and school)
i feel unaccomplished
i feel like i'm wasting my life
i feel like i'm stagnating
i try to change, but you know, habits are called habits for a reason (is my resolve that weak? it seems so, i cling onto what positives i feel like i have)
my influence waned (my sister doesn't even listen, but really can you tell someone that doesn't have ears what to do? on top of that, her boyfriend knows that she shouldn't be doing something, but still condones it. hey folks, that's love right? like totally~)
most importantly
i still feel ugly, on the inside... and out
this is something that money can't change
nor love
or plastic surgery
it'll only change when i have actually accepted that life was never fair to begin with
but hey
thanks louis, you make me smile.. why are you so dumb and cute sometimes?
thanks carmen, you have no idea how much i love you, thank you for putting up with this firecracker, for 'investing' in me hahaha... and for just being with me (this possibly hairless person), you are, to be frank, so beautiful.
thanks claire, you cost me quite a bit of money, but you always took me to the places i needed to go
thanks alan, i know you have always cared about this asshole that calls you his friend, i really love you, your graciousness and humility is greatly appreciated, i am jealous, but you deserve everything that you have.
thanks tommy, you are my shining light (damn, i feel kinda gay right now LOL) that always seems to put me in the right direction ;)
thanks arthur, you introduced me to claire, and driving with gears, i left space in my heart for you so come on and visit whenever you want :),without a doubt, you have helped me so much
thanks auntie vivien, you will probably never read this but i am grateful for your guidance and reality checks, i guess if i turn out to be successful i should write a book called 'rich mom poor mom'
but guys...
life still kinda sucks =/
don't worry i'm not going to commit suicide LOL
i guess i should start on my assignment...
toodles` pengyos.

almost black

knowing
you could be happier
contortions
every weekend your acceptance
every weekend your tears
despite everything
lacking
still
utterly feeble,,,
knowing
wanting
the things you deserve
dragging head first
looking
where is it... that pot of gold?
all the while
clinging onto the yawning shadows
what i would give to grasp...
that which draws light

the atrium plug

specks of life settled,
for once
peace felt like kin
despite selfishness
greed
disrespect
my eyes forward
but theirs, theirs nowhere to be seen
blind
like fools
and yet again
i trust
like a fool
and yet again
she has to go
who has nothing
yearns for nothing
yields to everyone
why
and yet again
burdened
sag
bump
thump
specks of life settled,
only for a moment